22degreehalo (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
22degreehalo) wrote2018-12-30 09:29 pm
22degreehalo) wrote2018-12-30 09:29 pm
Hmmmmm.txt
Little Things
* When it’s after dinner and right around when my parents generally want to watch an episode of something and I feel a Strong, intense sense of Dread at the idea of it; additionally, the incredible relief when they suggest watching a show I’m not interested in, and the immediate Oh No when they want to watch something I AM interested in
* Someone suggests I do something. I agree. They wait. Apparently, they expected me to do it Right Now, the Very Second they said something. My brain absolutely Hates this.
* I do a thing. I go back to Home Base, my computer. I do another thing, in part, but then I get stressed out and have to go back to home base. I finish the thing. Home base again! It’s so relaxing.
* When I just want to like… lie down and rub myself on the ground. Especially my cheek. If I can’t my body gets all tense.
* I’m switching back and forth between several different tabs, listening to ASMR and music at the same time, and someone is watching something on the TV I can sort of hear too. I feel Powerful and Energetic and Enthralled. Someone tries to talk to me. This is immediately Too Much and my head hurts.
* Someone is talking and then suddenly my brain decides that okay, listening time is over! And stops. I can make it start again, sort of? But it doesn’t work well and it’s kind of painful. But I feel really guilty if I don’t.
* My brain has decided that it doesn’t want to listen right now so I just kind of like really just… keep talking? Don’t have to listen if nobody else can get a word in!
* I wasn’t prepared for talking right now so I just can’t. I just have to communicate through facial expressions and gestures. I can force myself but it’ll take several seconds and I won’t be able to think about it so it might be awkward and/or be a total lie
* When someone expects a Conversation but your brain isn’t in talking mode so you just put it on automatic and say back whatever they expect you to say. Also may not be an accurate reflection of anything, or give the appropriate response, but my brain is five seconds behind and a thousand miles away so this is the best I can do.
* People in TV shows just… start talking to someone. Like someone in their family. I squint. I don’t understand this magic.
* Mum gently suggests that I offer to clean more often. I am an adult and this is a very embarrassing instruction. But there are So Many Reasons why this isn’t really possible and the very first one is that this would mean Saying a thing to someone before they say something to me and I just… don’t do that.
* Someone is doing chores around me and it’s so Loud and they’re giving off so much Energy that it makes me really tense and I freeze up and don’t help out because it is suddenly So Stressful.
* I drop something or fall over or whatever but then someone yells out ‘are you okay?’ and I suddenly hate them So, So Very Much because I was trying to focus on not feeling embarrassed/in pain and now they have forced Energy onto me and made me Respond and that tears my attention away and I feel So Much Worse than if they’d just ignored me (which is always such a relief when it happens)
* My mum leans over and I feel really uncomfortable and have to lean away. She seems hurt.
* There it is. You Sense it. Your Favourite Subject – the conversation is approaching it, perilously closely!! Your heart pounds So Fast – and then the subject turns away. Probably for the best. Nobody cares and you would only look weird for being that interested in it, anyway.
* When you just suddenly can’t read. Like your eyes don’t unblur (even though you’ve had your vision checked and it’s very good) and you can only get through a word at a time before your brain veers elsewhere. So you just have to kind of put together what’s going on through key words.
* You can’t read anything At All so you charge up like a shounen fighter and put all of your energy into focusing on what’s in front of you but then suddenly it’s 20 minutes later and you have the Best fanfiction idea Ever and if you don’t keep thinking about it Right Now you’ll forget and/or you’ll never get the ending right so you Need to think about it right now!!!!!!!
* When you’re alone and you can just… finally relax. Do what you want, when you want to, without worrying about how other people see you or being a bother to them. You feel like you could melt.
* Someone is talking to me. I think I know their name but I’m suddenly not at all sure but forgetting would be extremely rude. I try to avoid it. I answer their questions, but I also am not sure about anything about them ever so I can’t ask them questions or they’d realise I forgot things about them and feel sad. I am so stressed out about all of this that I fail to retain anything they say in this conversation for later.
* I’m in the middle of a group conversation but then realise I’ve zoned out for an unknown amount of time. I hear a key word. Immediate mental calculations trying to put together the rest of the conversation based on that word and whether I should take a guess on what they’ve been talking about and whether my contribution has already been said.
* Immediate mental calcul- okay I just said it. Okay. I keep saying things. Huh. Hope this works out.
* Not right now. I need to do something, but not right now. I want to do something, but not right now. I could try to force it, but my brain will remind me, over and over: not right now. No, not right now. Not right now. NOT RIGHT NOW.
* My wrists are in So Much Pain but if I stop moving my hands my brain starts yelling Very Loudly and that’s worse soooooo sorry wrists, you’re just gonna have to deal with it :/
* Something is literally directly in front of me, in clear sight, such that it seems impossible that I could even make my way past it without noticing it. I do not notice it. Later, when I go back, I blink, and cannot see anything else but that thing. Someone berates people who ‘don’t read signs’ and ‘don’t even try to look for things’ and ‘don’t listen to warnings.’ I feel bad.
* If I lose something, it’s gone. It will make its way back to me or it will not. If I try to ‘’’look for it’’’, I will zone out immediately. I cannot focus my eyes on a thing which is not there.
* Just… living in the world through a thick pane of glass, seeing every other frame, or experiencing everything a few steps behind, the world outside muffled, but sounds and Energy coming through directly and hitting my brain without bypassing skull.
* I like the idea of constellations, but I can never see them. There are too many stars – which am I meant to look at? And, though I lived in vast fantasy worlds in my mind, I never saw my toys as alive. I can’t focus on their physical forms. I can imagine them moving and speaking, but I can’t put that vision over their real-world existence. It’s simultaneously too solid and too vague.
* I’m dissociating. I touch a block of ice against my skin, curious what it will feel like. The reality is indescribable. It is too cold, but I only feel that for miliseconds at a time, too briefly to flinch. It is like a flame flickering against me, coming and going instantaneously. There and not there. I can imagine it, though. Easily.
...anyway another thing I've been trying to do for a couple of years is get assessed for ADHD inattentive but due to anxiety and, hm, I'm gonna guess undiagnosed ADHD? it's been... hard going. Hopefully I'll get to it next year.
* When it’s after dinner and right around when my parents generally want to watch an episode of something and I feel a Strong, intense sense of Dread at the idea of it; additionally, the incredible relief when they suggest watching a show I’m not interested in, and the immediate Oh No when they want to watch something I AM interested in
* Someone suggests I do something. I agree. They wait. Apparently, they expected me to do it Right Now, the Very Second they said something. My brain absolutely Hates this.
* I do a thing. I go back to Home Base, my computer. I do another thing, in part, but then I get stressed out and have to go back to home base. I finish the thing. Home base again! It’s so relaxing.
* When I just want to like… lie down and rub myself on the ground. Especially my cheek. If I can’t my body gets all tense.
* I’m switching back and forth between several different tabs, listening to ASMR and music at the same time, and someone is watching something on the TV I can sort of hear too. I feel Powerful and Energetic and Enthralled. Someone tries to talk to me. This is immediately Too Much and my head hurts.
* Someone is talking and then suddenly my brain decides that okay, listening time is over! And stops. I can make it start again, sort of? But it doesn’t work well and it’s kind of painful. But I feel really guilty if I don’t.
* My brain has decided that it doesn’t want to listen right now so I just kind of like really just… keep talking? Don’t have to listen if nobody else can get a word in!
* I wasn’t prepared for talking right now so I just can’t. I just have to communicate through facial expressions and gestures. I can force myself but it’ll take several seconds and I won’t be able to think about it so it might be awkward and/or be a total lie
* When someone expects a Conversation but your brain isn’t in talking mode so you just put it on automatic and say back whatever they expect you to say. Also may not be an accurate reflection of anything, or give the appropriate response, but my brain is five seconds behind and a thousand miles away so this is the best I can do.
* People in TV shows just… start talking to someone. Like someone in their family. I squint. I don’t understand this magic.
* Mum gently suggests that I offer to clean more often. I am an adult and this is a very embarrassing instruction. But there are So Many Reasons why this isn’t really possible and the very first one is that this would mean Saying a thing to someone before they say something to me and I just… don’t do that.
* Someone is doing chores around me and it’s so Loud and they’re giving off so much Energy that it makes me really tense and I freeze up and don’t help out because it is suddenly So Stressful.
* I drop something or fall over or whatever but then someone yells out ‘are you okay?’ and I suddenly hate them So, So Very Much because I was trying to focus on not feeling embarrassed/in pain and now they have forced Energy onto me and made me Respond and that tears my attention away and I feel So Much Worse than if they’d just ignored me (which is always such a relief when it happens)
* My mum leans over and I feel really uncomfortable and have to lean away. She seems hurt.
* There it is. You Sense it. Your Favourite Subject – the conversation is approaching it, perilously closely!! Your heart pounds So Fast – and then the subject turns away. Probably for the best. Nobody cares and you would only look weird for being that interested in it, anyway.
* When you just suddenly can’t read. Like your eyes don’t unblur (even though you’ve had your vision checked and it’s very good) and you can only get through a word at a time before your brain veers elsewhere. So you just have to kind of put together what’s going on through key words.
* You can’t read anything At All so you charge up like a shounen fighter and put all of your energy into focusing on what’s in front of you but then suddenly it’s 20 minutes later and you have the Best fanfiction idea Ever and if you don’t keep thinking about it Right Now you’ll forget and/or you’ll never get the ending right so you Need to think about it right now!!!!!!!
* When you’re alone and you can just… finally relax. Do what you want, when you want to, without worrying about how other people see you or being a bother to them. You feel like you could melt.
* Someone is talking to me. I think I know their name but I’m suddenly not at all sure but forgetting would be extremely rude. I try to avoid it. I answer their questions, but I also am not sure about anything about them ever so I can’t ask them questions or they’d realise I forgot things about them and feel sad. I am so stressed out about all of this that I fail to retain anything they say in this conversation for later.
* I’m in the middle of a group conversation but then realise I’ve zoned out for an unknown amount of time. I hear a key word. Immediate mental calculations trying to put together the rest of the conversation based on that word and whether I should take a guess on what they’ve been talking about and whether my contribution has already been said.
* Immediate mental calcul- okay I just said it. Okay. I keep saying things. Huh. Hope this works out.
* Not right now. I need to do something, but not right now. I want to do something, but not right now. I could try to force it, but my brain will remind me, over and over: not right now. No, not right now. Not right now. NOT RIGHT NOW.
* My wrists are in So Much Pain but if I stop moving my hands my brain starts yelling Very Loudly and that’s worse soooooo sorry wrists, you’re just gonna have to deal with it :/
* Something is literally directly in front of me, in clear sight, such that it seems impossible that I could even make my way past it without noticing it. I do not notice it. Later, when I go back, I blink, and cannot see anything else but that thing. Someone berates people who ‘don’t read signs’ and ‘don’t even try to look for things’ and ‘don’t listen to warnings.’ I feel bad.
* If I lose something, it’s gone. It will make its way back to me or it will not. If I try to ‘’’look for it’’’, I will zone out immediately. I cannot focus my eyes on a thing which is not there.
* Just… living in the world through a thick pane of glass, seeing every other frame, or experiencing everything a few steps behind, the world outside muffled, but sounds and Energy coming through directly and hitting my brain without bypassing skull.
* I like the idea of constellations, but I can never see them. There are too many stars – which am I meant to look at? And, though I lived in vast fantasy worlds in my mind, I never saw my toys as alive. I can’t focus on their physical forms. I can imagine them moving and speaking, but I can’t put that vision over their real-world existence. It’s simultaneously too solid and too vague.
* I’m dissociating. I touch a block of ice against my skin, curious what it will feel like. The reality is indescribable. It is too cold, but I only feel that for miliseconds at a time, too briefly to flinch. It is like a flame flickering against me, coming and going instantaneously. There and not there. I can imagine it, though. Easily.
...anyway another thing I've been trying to do for a couple of years is get assessed for ADHD inattentive but due to anxiety and, hm, I'm gonna guess undiagnosed ADHD? it's been... hard going. Hopefully I'll get to it next year.